I’ve kicked two men in the balls in my life so far.
The concert was deafeningly loud and I wasn’t really into country music, so I told my friends I’d meet them back at the house and began wading through the damp, sticky masses.
It was senior year spring break in Panama City Beach, and we’d rented a gorgeous beach house to celebrate. I wouldn’t call us the most extroverted group, but we’d heard about a free concert on the beach about a mile from where we were staying, so we’d decided to walk down and check out the debauchery. After about 15 minutes of sloshing around in the roiling, swimsuit-clad mob, I decided that was about enough for me. My boyfriend at the time had stayed back at the house with a couple of others, which sounded much more like my scene.
I’d almost broken through the back of the crowd to leave when I heard someone yell. Spinning around, I saw an average-looking guy in swim trunks and a tank top waving emphatically and pointing at me. Did I know him from somewhere? Had I dropped something?
He was saying something else, but it was still too loud to hear. He frantically beckoned me closer, then spoke at a softer volume, compelling me to lean forward to try to hear.
When I got just close enough, he roughly grabbed both sides of my face and kissed me aggressively, shoving his tongue in my mouth. A group of boys behind him erupted into laughter and started dolling out high-fives.
You know when something unexpected happens and you’re so shocked you completely freeze up and have no idea how to react? I can’t tell you the number of times it’s happened when I’ve been harassed, catcalled, or assaulted.
It’s awful because you end up feeling complicit, like you let down feminists everywhere.
Anyway, that’s not what happened this time.
Barely thinking, I kicked him in the balls hard so hard he dropped like a lead weight onto the sand.
His friends froze mid-revelry and watched in horror as he either screamed or gasped (the concert was too loud to tell) in pain.
Now, I’m average height for a woman, but I’ve always been pretty athletic. This was a time during which I was training heavily, lifting weights, and running several miles a day.
I have to smile, looking back, because I truly gave it to him.
Shocked at my own boldness, I decided I should probably bail before the group got a chance to process what happened and decided to retaliate. I turned and walked quickly toward the beach house, breaking into a jog when I got past the bulk of the crowd.
I share this story not to glorify violence (although it was one of my finer moments), but to shed light on a disturbing reality women face every day. While I was fortunate to have made it out of this predicament physically unharmed, this incident demonstrates how casual misogyny enables a culture where abuse thrives. A toxic environment where sexual assault isn’t just ignored, it’s celebrated.
Casual misogyny
Casual misogyny refers to the subtle, everyday expressions of discrimination and violence against women that have become ingrained in our society. It includes behaviors, language, and attitudes that may seem inconsequential on the surface but contribute to a larger system of inequality.
Casual misogyny reinforces harmful beliefs and attitudes towards women by:
- Reinforcing Gender Stereotypes: Attempting to portray women as weak, emotional, or inferior to men. By perpetuating these stereotypes, individuals contribute to a culture that limits women’s opportunities, choices, and autonomy.
- Normalizing Disrespectful Behavior: Everyday instances of casual misogyny, such as sexist jokes, objectification, or derogatory comments, contribute to a culture that is desensitized towards the harmful impact of these behaviors.
- Diminishing Women’s Experiences: Dismissing or trivializing the experiences and concerns of women, invalidating their perspectives, and reinforcing power imbalances can lead to a culture where women’s voices are silenced and their experiences of harassment, assault, and discrimination are downplayed or ignored.
Rape culture
Rape culture is an environment that normalizes and trivializes sexual violence. It is characterized by beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors that downplay the severity of sexual assault, blame victims, and excuse perpetrators. Here, sexual violence is normalized through media representations, social interactions, and an inadequate justice system, creating an atmosphere that enables abuse while failing to hold perpetrators accountable.
As an extension of casual misogyny, rape culture downplays sexual violence by:
- Victim-blaming: Attempting to shift responsibility and accountability from the perpetrator to the survivor, perpetuating the idea that victims “asked for it” or are responsible for preventing their own assault.
- Trivializing consent: Undermining the importance of consent and fostering a culture where non-consensual actions are disregarded. This can range from overlooking the importance of verbal consent to perpetuating the myth that certain circumstances or behaviors imply consent.
- Promoting myths: Reinforcing harmful misconceptions about sexual violence, such as the belief that false accusations are widespread or that only certain types of individuals can be rapists. These myths minimize the pervasiveness of sexual violence and create barriers for survivors seeking justice and support.
Does all of this sound familiar?
Impacts
When women are objectified and dehumanized, it creates a culture that facilitates abuse. Harmful attitudes perpetuate dangerous power dynamics where perpetrators feel entitled to control and exploit others without fear of repercussions. Normalizing boundary violations and lack of consent in everyday interactions contributes to a climate where more severe forms of abuse can be ignored.
For survivors of abuse, encountering everyday sexism and witnessing the normalization of sexual violence can be retraumatizing, reinforcing feelings of blame and shame. It can also be triggering for a survivor to feel trapped or unable to control the outcome of a situation, both of which are natural results of living in an oppressive society.
A future free from abuse
Creating a society unburdened by abuse begins with honest self-reflection and education. We must examine our harmful beliefs and behaviors, acknowledging any inherent biases or prejudices we may hold. Consent education plays a crucial role in fostering respectful attitudes toward women and dismantling harmful power dynamics. By engaging in open conversations about healthy relationships, we can debunk harmful myths and encourage consent-based interactions to become the norm.
Challenging rape culture also means speaking out against sexist jokes, objectification, and other demeaning behaviors. It requires creating spaces that prioritize consent, safety, respect, and equality. By supporting survivors, amplifying their voices, and validating their experiences, we can promote a healthier society that stands against abuse in all its forms.
My encounter at the concert serves as a stark reminder of the urgent need to address casual instances of sexual assault. By sharing our stories and raising awareness, we can spark conversations that challenge harmful attitudes. Together, we can create a society that respects boundaries, safeguards consent, and condemns abuse.
Stay tuned for To all the boys I’ve kicked before (part II).