Do you have a story that needs to be told so badly that you keep putting it off?
I’ve been bustling around all morning, so excited to finally have a whole day off to write. No work. No politics. No plans until this evening.
Now I just need to make my writing conditions perfect. I’m tackling one of my particularly difficult experiences, so I should feel extra comfortable, right? It’s as though my body won’t let me tell the story until I feel perfectly safe in my surroundings.
But that’s never gonna happen. I’m never going to feel perfectly safe again.
The article I should be using this rare free time to write is about something that’s really weighing on me. One of those “Big T” traumas I’ve been in the process of writing about for years now, but can’t quite fully get onto the page to my satisfaction.
I have a folder full of them at this point; notes jotted in a frenzied moment of passion and momentum, then abandoned like so many old wounds I’d prefer to ignore.
Even now, after several years and hundreds of miles, my hypersensitive nervous system tells me I can’t stop to reflect because I’m still in danger.
It makes it so hard to look at that I end up wiping down all of the kitchen counters…
And bathrooms. And vacuuming. And having a 2nd cup of cold brew. And shitposting on Substack Notes. And sitting on the patio. And doomscrolling about politics news. And bothering my shih tzu. And putting on chapstick. And hiding in the bedroom to make a voice note about a totally different article with an adjacent topic like how difficult writing about trauma is. And bringing my partner a sparkling water. And listening to an audiobook…
All by 10:50 a.m.
I’m not a procrastinator by nature. I’m typically pretty hyper-productive and high-achieving. My brain doing its best to say hey, you don’t want to look over there at your pain. Just avoid it and focus on what you can control.
People with CPTSD have poorer health outcomes in nearly every category, so overachieving and taking time for healthy activities feels like the best way to beat the statistics.
Look over here instead. Accomplish this. Get this certification. Do this home improvement project. Incorporate just one more daily habit to improve your health. (This week? An apple a day. I hope it sticks.)
But that’s also why we desperately need to learn to slow down and find actual calm. Stop burning all of our precious spoons so we can have energy to focus on the things that are actually important.
I’ve learned how to be calm in so many types of crises in both my professional and personal life. A 100% success rate is required for surviving that many guns in your face; screaming threats; and nights locked in the spare room, hoping to stay out of my abuser’s drunken path.
So why does my heart race when I sit down to write?
There’s something there that needs patience to come into the light, if I can only manage to relax enough to let it happen.
Ok, great! Now that’s out of the way, I can buckle down and work on that other article. Although first, I could take a tiny break for more coffee…
