You can hang that shelf up on your own.
You know this; I know this.
You’re nothing if not a capable, independent woman. Some might even call it hyper-independence, but that’s between you and your therapist.
All by my shelf: DIY doesn’t have to be so literal
You’d love having that floating shelf over your bed; a place within reach for your alarm clock, journal, and Kindle. Plenty of room for phone chargers, your partner’s glasses, and maybe even a cute jar of treats for the dogs.
You can picture the scene vividly, because you single-handedly hung that same shelf in your two previous apartments. Back when it was just you and the dogs. Before you moved in with your incredible partner, the first person you’ve lived with since your period of abuse.
It’s a sturdy shelf, heavy. It’s just bulky enough that it isn’t impossible for one person to hang, but it’d be far easier with a second pair of hands.
You’ve been putting installing it off since moving in nearly two months ago.
The plank leans sardonically against the wall in the corner of the bedroom; mocking your inability to ask for help, your inability to even acknowledge it. And it’s right.
Your brain inconveniently seems to distract itself anytime you consider getting the task done. Odd, but at least it keeps you from questioning why your heart rate spikes at the thought.
Wait. Stay with that.
Why are you so afraid?
Because the thought of doing a home improvement task with a partner brings you back to far less joyous times.
“How hard could it be?” — Uneducated, overly-confident man about to ruin something
Your abuser fancied himself a natural handyman.
You know, that dangerous narcissistic tendency to assume one is amazing at everything, so there’s no need to do any research or practice.
When he’d try to do the thing and end up sucking at it, he’d get pissed off at the project rather than his lack of skill or preparation. His version of accountability was just finding anyone or anything else to blame and punish.
This happened so often that there’s no way he didn’t find glee in it. After your escape, you’d wonder if it was because he relished in the excuse to explode, and why he seemed to think holding power tools was a justification for escalating violence.
Danger: Unhinged men at work
He took on projects in the most destructive and difficult manner possible, typically while getting progressively more intoxicated (safe 🙄).
This resulted in many a home improvement mishap throughout the five-year relationship. When he’d inevitably snap and storm off to the bar or the basement, you’d be responsible for dealing with the mess while bracing for whatever additional damage his wrathful frenzy caused.
Notably, he once cut a far-too-large hole in the bathroom wall trying to hang a medicine cabinet.
No measuring. Didn’t even mark the height he wanted to hang it. Just went for it.
Another time, he was replacing the bedroom door after having punched a hole in it weeks earlier. Naturally, he bought the wrong-sized replacement door without having measured beforehand. He then threw a tantrum trying to hang it anyway, breaking it and ripping it off the hinges.
That was an awkward trip back to the store.
Blame-shifting
These misadventures were both embarrassing and terrifying to witness. You cringed each time he busted out the toolkit, yet you were trapped there, compelled to participate.
If you tried to opt out of helping, aware it would likely end badly, you’d be blamed for being selfish or lazy. Your lack of help would be deemed the reason things went wrong.
If you tried to intervene too much, however, you’d be brushed off as not knowing what you were doing and then blamed for getting in the way when something inevitably went awry.
You wobbled atop that thin tightrope, trying to do just enough to keep his anger from turning on you.
In one way or another, you always failed.
Heavy duty tool bag
It’s worth noting the correlation between your abuser’s aggression and proximity to dangerous tools that could easily become weapons.
He fed off of intimidation and violence, got off on feeling powerful. It was why he’d joined the military, why he’d become a cop, and why he’d been honing his skills in abusing women for years. He relished in any excuse to let his aggression loose.
Man, wouldn’t it be wild if people like him could, say, buy a bunch of other powerful tools, such as firearms, with little to no restriction or tracking?
Deconstruction zone: Breaking down our responses
So maybe, just maybe, it’s not your current partner that you’re afraid to ask for help.
Maybe what you’re experiencing is the echo of something incredibly scary and traumatic that happened in your past. Your brain is doing a great job warning you of what it believes to be a risk to your safety.
And it’s no wonder this situation reminds your body of that danger! That’s what our bodies are trained to do: learn from threats in order to survive.
You never deserved to be treated that way. I’m sorry you felt like you didn’t have a way out of that situation, and I’m truly grateful you made it here.
Thank goodness you aren’t in that awful place anymore.
Hello, limbic system? It’s me, Traumargaret
Imagine what a relief it would be for your nervous system to catch up to that knowledge.
Maybe you can take some time to remind your body it’s safe now, even if you can only hold onto that belief for a few minutes at a time.
Perhaps your healthy current partner has shown themselves to be a safe person with whom you can bring this up once you’ve had time to decompress.
He’d probably even be thrilled to help you, considering he loves projects and is also not an asshole.
Maybe you’ll work up the courage to ask him… Tomorrow.