I don’t forgive my abuser just because he was abused, too: Navigating systemic abuse, personal responsibility, and healing

In finally learning to redirect my anger toward a former abuser years after the fact, I’m reclaiming the truth and freeing myself from the grip of his manipulation. Why would I forgive him now when it took so long to finally point the blame in the right direction?

Forgive and move on. That’s what they tell you to do when you’re healing from abuse. Rise above and all that. Hurt people hurt people.

But somewhere in this wild CPTSD adventure that’s been thrust upon me, I discovered that it’s possible to have a mental health issue and not use it as a weapon to harm or control others.

This revelation makes me feel a tinge less gracious toward my abuser. As a matter of fact, I feel completely justified in consciously not forgiving him, even though he was clearly mentally ill and a victim himself.

We contain multitudes

As a child, my ex was abused by his father, a cop in a rural area where officers were, shall we say, willing to cover up for one another’s “mistakes”. His father regularly abused the entire family without repercussions, despite several attempts at ending the relationship and reporting the atrocities.

Now, I’m going to rush through the next part because you’ve heard this story. My ex escaped into the military the second he was old enough, traumatized by the abuses he’d endured growing up and yet submitting to the fawn response of a victim trying to make his abuser proud. He experienced combat before his frontal lobe was fully formed, where he thrived, likely due to his long-honed skills in handling chaotic and violent situations.

He returned home, understandably more traumatized after seeing and committing acts of death and destruction. Not to mention the years of indoctrination into a male-dominated, intolerant, paranoid, pro-alcohol, and pro-violence community. He soon sought out that familiar feeling of control and routine by becoming a cop at a corrupt department in a disadvantaged part of a city. Once there, he was both witness and party to even more violence, trauma, corruption, and toxic attitudes… Yeah. You can fill in some blanks.

The blame game

For the entirety of my abuse, I was gaslit into believing my ex’s anger, jealousy, and addictive behaviors were my fault, causing me to internalize a lot of self-blame and learned helplessness. His aim was to make me feel worthless, keep me quiet, and warp my sense of reality, making me feel complicit in his abuse so I’d continue to endure it in silence. He succeeded, largely by taking advantage of my compassion, leveraging his past trauma and obvious mental health issues to excuse his brutality.

I understand how the nuances of trauma and upbringing can affect behavior. I do. It’s kind of my whole thing. But after finally escaping, I am simply too busy working my ass off to exert energy pretending that wasn’t a garbage tactic committed by a selfish, hateful bully with no respect for others.

Pass it on

My ex-partner’s decision to avoid addressing his inner struggles only perpetuated his destructiveness, even after his trauma had significant negative impacts on both of our lives. Rather than seeking help for issues that were obviously dangerous and escalating, he sank deeper into his rage and addictions. I watched helplessly as he chose alcohol every time. When (shockingly) that didn’t help, he unleashed his anger and violence upon me.

As his life circumstances worsened due to his mental health struggles, so did his wrath. I remember being strangely aware of this pattern, but unable to stop it. It was like being in one of those nightmares where you can’t scream.

I have those a lot.

I regularly thought about how he would likely end up killing me, himself, or both. At the same time, I didn’t know how to break free when he’d made me feel so responsible for his life.

Pervasiveness of trauma

I’ve been working on a CPTSD workbook** in collaboration with my therapist for a few months, which has been an incredible resource for my recovery.

As helpful as it is to have a guided resource to work through traumatic experiences, seeing it all written out in front of me has royally pissed me off. Reflections on the abuses I endured for 5 years, interspersed with pages of CPTSD symptoms that continue to infect every aspect of my life and my body. Quite a juicy read.

The workbook is helping to guide me through how invasive and deeply-rooted the impacts of CPTSD are and how vital it is that it be treated as seriously and with as much care as any physical illness. Hell, it is a physical illness.

CPTSD can impact brain function, sexual arousal, digestion, memory, immunity, cortisol levels, sleep cycles, and more. It regularly causes me to experience a heightened stress response, cognitive distortions, anxiety attacks, acid reflux, irritability, social anxiety, hypervigilance trust issues, and on and on and on. I’m also at a statistically higher risk for high blood pressure, blood sugar imbalances, autoimmune disorders, poverty, difficulty maintaining a job, relationship issues, depression, addiction, future victimization, and a myriad of other serious problems.

Any one of these problems on their own is exhausting. CPTSD has invaded every aspect of my being in some way. It is the act of abuse that keeps on giving, passing from one person to the next if left unchecked.

Accountability and closure

It’s impossible to process trauma incurred by a partner without acknowledging the feeling of injustice that arises from bearing the consequences of someone else’s refusal to do the work. It took years for me to finally believe that an abusive ex-partner’s history of being victimized does not excuse or justify their actions. Just as I must take responsibility for my healing, my ex-partner must be held accountable for his choices. He doesn’t get a pass to perpetuate violence just because he himself suffered.

I hold space for the fact that my ex also experienced these distressing symptoms. And they suck. They hurt. They’re scary to look at. It’s not fair that either one of us was traumatized. It’s truly not. But I’m still well within my right to be angry with him for committing me to this life sentence I didn’t earn.

Two things can be true

Research has indicated that a history of abuse can be a risk factor for engaging in abusive behavior, but it is not a deterministic factor. Many survivors actively work to break the cycle of abuse, developing healthy coping mechanisms to prevent perpetuating harm. The journey of healing from trauma involves taking responsibility for our own well-being and actively choosing a different path.

In the intricate web of healing from abuse and trauma and disentangling symptoms from personality traits, two seemingly contradictory truths can coexist.

One can be an abuse victim in need of compassion and professional help; while at the same time being a violent, cheating, dangerous, narcissistic, crude, bigoted, jealous, power-hungry asshole who will never admit to his terrible behavior.

Getting the help

Part of healing after an abusive relationship involves examining the power dynamics and negative behaviors that may have emerged within the context of our toxic attachments. By recognizing these behaviors, learning positive coping mechanisms, and practicing healthy communication, we can break the cycle of abuse and cultivate healthier relationships moving forward.

I’m doing what I begged my ex to do so many times and getting the help. No one else will bear the burden of trauma due to my unwillingness to confront it. While he was failing to beat me into healing his pain, he was inadvertently teaching me a valuable lesson: the people I love should never be punished for the trauma I have endured.

This doesn't mean I’m facing it alone, by any means. My incredible support system and I do our best to practice openly communicating our needs, including exploring anything that makes us feel reactive emotionally. We aren’t perfect, but we always try. They are incredibly precious to me and I am forever grateful to grow alongside them, supporting and being supported by one another.

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that I’m not skimping on this work, no matter how much it sucks or how unfair it is. My trauma stops with me.