After being abused for five years, I struggle to celebrate.
My narcissistic ex relished in ruining holidays, recognitions, birthdays… Anything that took the focus off of himself.
I can’t stand attention now; even acknowledging my own accomplishments feels bad.
At the same time, I’m stuck in a state of endless productivity.
I’m always trying to better myself, yet I can’t stop to focus on my wins when I achieve them. I’m already on to the next one.
Reading, writing, professional degrees. I collect stats, awards, and certificates as though they’re evidence of my goodness. But then I can’t tell anyone about them; too afraid to be punished or ostracized for drawing attention to myself.
I want so badly to be perfect because only that could be good enough.
Even that wasn’t a promise.
If you’ve ever felt the same, come along as I try to figure out what the hell to do about it.