Don’t get us wrong, we’re anxious as hell, but we’re willing to puff up our chests and take a risk… When it’s the right thing to do.
Asking my overactive nervous system and me to stand up for ourselves is like asking us to go rock climbing.
The bolter
After our period of abuse, we’re doing our best to learn to trust our instincts again. This involves safely testing the limits and rigidity of our comfort. It’s a muscle to be strengthened.
On each route, we practice distinguishing true danger from echoes of past falls. In the process, we’re rediscovering parts of ourselves that were eroded by trauma.
And you know what?
Some days, we may hike all the way to the crag, fully psyched and intent on tackling our route, only to be met with rusty bolts and loose rock. That’s when it starts to storm.
Maybe we started the climb anyway, but we didn’t sleep great last night, and we’re feeling luteal-phase bloaty.
Sometimes the conditions just aren’t right. Sometimes we need to admit when we’ve hit our limit. Sometimes it’s better to be smart and safe.
We can do hard things, but no one said we have to always do the hard thing when there’s a less sketchy path.
Being “healed” is not summiting every mountain.
We’re allowed to decide we don’t feel safe and that it’s better to bail this time. Even if we did a bunch of work to get there. Even if we trained and traveled and meditated and talked it out with loved ones.
But when the conditions are right?
That first ascent feeling
It may take a few attempts, but we’re going to send the damned thing if we can. We’ll even allow ourselves a brief moment of feeling proud and powerful afterward.
It’s probably still going to involve panicking a little bit in the process, and you’re just going to have to let that happen! Trust us, we don’t love those moments either.
So please ignore us for a minute if we fumble words or start to cry when we hit the crux.
Don’t lower us just yet; let us try to ride out the fear. Don’t comfort us; let us learn to ask you for help.
Just be here with us. We’re always getting a little better.