Don’t look at me like that.
I do all of the healthy, self-care ish they tell you to do when you’re traumatized. I stretch, practice my breathing, stay active, go to therapy, medicate, and on and on forever.
I’m highly motivated not to bleed on those that didn’t cut me. I’m doing the damned work, and of course it often helps.
Some days, it even feels like I might be healing. Then there are days (like today) where it really, really doesn’t.
Here’s the thing, though: I don’t have to always be the model student of healing and coping.
I can be frustrated with my brain for a minute, even as I extend it the grace it deserves after all it’s been through. I’m allowed to mourn the many losses I’ve endured thanks to abuse, including that of my mental wellness.
I’m even allowed to admit that I am so very bored of grounding exercises.
Once in a while, it’s ok to be grouchy at the seemingly endless obstacles my brain puts in my path to make life harder.
Obstacles such as:
1. Racing thoughts
Want to know how this decidedly not relaxing article came about? Of course you do.
I was about 15 minutes into a restless meditation.
It’s been a particularly stressful day working from home, so on my lunch break I prepped my room to be as relaxing as possible. I’m talking lights off, rain sound ASMR playing, weighted blanket, the whole 9 yards. I was even wearing this absolutely out-of-this-world heated eye massager thing my sister got me for Christmas.
That’s an affiliate link, but damn I honestly stand by that luxurious gift. I’ve even unintentionally convinced 2 of my friends to get them after they tried it. Thanks, sis.
Despite all the effort I’d put into relaxing, my mind was totally not in it. Instead, as is happening about 90% of the time, I was worrying:
I haven’t posted in a week because I’ve been too anxious and distracted to finish anything, is that hurting my analytics? Is my writing terrible? Do people care what I have to say, anyway? What ever happened to…
I said biiitch… show some gratitude. I am going out of my way to do relaxing shit for you right now, treating you like a queen. I took a break from work specifically to calm you down, can you kindly shut the fuck up and clear yourself, please?
As it turns out, no I cannot, because the intrusive thoughts won and I’m now writing this article instead of finishing my meditation.
2. Lack of focus
As mentioned above, I should actually be working right now. I have a ton of responsibilities in my position and always have things I should be doing.
Unfortunately, sometimes I simply can’t focus due to my trauma.
These issues with concentration don’t stem from racing thoughts alone, but from a laundry list of trauma-related quirks such as chronically heightened stress levels, hypervigilance, dissociation, social anxiety, and insomnia. Short-term memory is also regularly affected.
Operating around these issues requires intense levels of organization and dedication, which are stressful in themselves.
So I got all ready and laid down, and now I can’t even focus on relaxing. But if I go back to my work, nothing will get done because I’m still overwhelmed and distracted.
Which brings me to..
3. Somatic symptoms
Exhaustion, headaches, chest pains, oh my!
Trauma can manifest in distressing somatic symptoms such as heart palpitations, chronic soreness, and headaches.
One of the reasons I had to lay down in the first place was because my heart was hammering out of my chest and I was having trouble catching my breath.
This tends to happen anytime I’m feeling especially stressed or self-critical. It can lead to a full-on anxiety attack if I don’t recognize the symptoms, listen to my body, and take steps to decompress.
Thankfully, staying on top of my condition and monitoring my mental wellness is usually a top priority of mine, because it’s so essential to how I get through life.
Unfortunately, as evidenced by my currently anxious state, that doesn’t mean I’m perfect at it.
Which brings us to our final annoyance of the moment:
4. Triggers all the way down
If I write it enough, maybe I’ll believe it myself: I am doing everything within my control to heal from my trauma.
It may not feel like it at this exact moment, but I’m constantly practicing and improving my strategies of coping with triggers.
Does that mean I always respond perfectly whenever I’m around one? Of course not.
Honestly, this can also be obnoxious, especially when I think about how I shouldn’t really have to do any of this. I didn’t ask to be traumatized.
But seeing as I am…
Tomorrow, I’ll get back on the wellness horse. I’ll write in my journal, go on a run, be kind to my mind and overactive nervous system.
But today, the best way I can love myself is by being annoyed.
Update: Medium Boost
I am beyond honored to have been chosen for a Boost by the Invisible Illness editors. Thank you so much to all who have supported my writing thus far, I truly can’t tell you how much it means to me.
But since you know I have to try: